What is Grief?

Losing a loved one can be overwhelming and painful, leading to the grieving process. Grief is a process because it can take at least a year or more to really process. Sometimes even longer than that. Grief ultimately is the process of healing. It can feel like a roller coaster of ups and downs, and it is encouraged that each person rides the waves as they come.

Grief is the inward process of loss, through the thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Mourning is the outward process of loss through actions.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and mourn losing a loved one. Judging someone’s process can do more harm than good. Grief and mourning can take all different shapes and sizes depending on the person. The most important thing is that something is done over time in the mourning process. It can take months or years for certain actions to take place.

Avoidance can be a sign of not engaging in grief. The danger in not engaging in the grieving process can mean being stuck in grief for many years. This can come out in many ways such as being unable to even mention the person they lost or sensitive to small reminders of the person they lost. This can mean they have more irrational reactions due to being triggered by the loss. They can also become severely depressed which means they may pull away from others, not care for themselves or lose purpose in living. Isolation from family members can be a common response so as to not be reminded of the person they lost, which means less social support.

Processing grief can be a very complex process. While most people and even therapists think you must talk about it, that isn’t always the case and not the only way to grieve. You can process grief through some of these ways:

Talking about grief to others or a counselor. Sometimes people tend to give solutions or try to fix someone’s grief because people don’t often know what to say. These people are not helpful when talking about their grief. Finding someone who is willing to listen without judgment will be important.
Doing an activity to remember their loved one. This can be something they used to do with the one they lost or doing something their loved one enjoyed. This can serve as a memorial to the person that was lost and often can help process.
Attending grief groups. These can be community groups through your church or community or therapeutic groups that are led by a counselor. Oftentimes these groups consist of others who have experienced a loss as well. This can be a great way to connect with others that may have more understanding about the loss because they have experienced something similar. It helps to know you aren’t alone.
Doing small things. It’s easy to forget the small things when grieving. Wearing the person’s shirt, reading a letter, cooking a meal, visiting their graveside. It is important to recognize what is needed on even a small scale to mourn.
Writing a Letter. It can be helpful to process grief by writing to their loved one. Sharing hopes, dreams, frustrations and sadness through these letters can serve as a companion to grief.

This list isn’t exhaustive, there are so many things that can be done to mourn. Finding what works best for each person is vital because everyone is different.

The 5 Stages of Grief

Grief can last up to one year or more with various ups and downs. A helpful resource about grief is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief. These stages, while listed in order, do not always take place in order. A person can experience number three before number one or experience multiple stages at one time. It is not a linear process but can evolve and change over time. Someone walking through grief may experience these stages in that one year process or more. Right after a loss these stages may be very prominent but overtime they may experience them with less severity.

Denial: when a person is in a state of shock and has trouble believing what has happened. It may take a while for the person to believe what has happened. Often people are in misbelief and will question if they really did lose their loved one. Being in a state of shock and grief can actually be helpful as it might be too much for a person to fathom all at one time, the feelings are overwhelming. Accepting reality is part of this stage and will usually come at the end. It is important to note a person in this stage does actually know they lost their loved one, it is more that the feeling of disbelief is what is most present.

Anger: when a person experiences this extreme emotion towards themselves, others or the world. Feeling their anger will be important, whether or not it is wrong. Anger is not logical or valid and often comes from the fact that losing their loved one was not supposed to happen. Usually underneath anger is extreme pain but it may be necessary to process anger before the pain. Feeling the anger is vital in this stage and validating the anger will help others navigate the grief. Many people around them will have a hard time with the anger and often want to fix it. This will not be helpful, allowing the grieved to experience anger is important. Guilt is often part of this stage, which is anger towards yourself.

Bargaining: when a person believes they could have done something to prevent what happened or wishes they would have done something. They may also play the “what if” question in their mind over and over. Often they hope if only something could have happened instead so they don’t have to feel the pain of the loss. This stage can serve as a relief when the pain feels too much, even if just for a moment.

Depression: when a person becomes overwhelmed with the sadness of the situation. They may withdraw from life and exhibit some depressive symptoms. This stage is where the deep level of pain and sadness might lie, and it can feel like a bottomless pit. Depression is different from actual clinical depression because it is normal to experience symptoms of depression. The difference with grief is it does not last a significant period of time. Feeling the level of pain and sorrow is an important aspect to this stage and must not be passed over or ignored.

Acceptance: when a person is able to face the reality of what happened and feel as if everything is ok. They may begin to live in the world again and make new meaning out of their experience. It can bring them closer to the one they lost even though they are gone. There is a level of peace at this point, living with reality and continuing with life. It does not mean we forget them or never think about them again. It also doesn’t mean that the pain won’t creep in from time to time but it feels different than the beginning of the process.

Disclaimer: This information has been provided by our Partners, The Attached Counseling Collective, to shed light on grief and how to help loved ones who have experienced loss. This information has been created as educational material NOT treatment. This information was created with the context that the staff and volunteers of Life Interrupted Foundation are not mental health professionals. If professional help is needed, please reach out to our volunteer team to connect you with a professional provider near you. For further resources, please visit our Additional Resources page.