Approaching Grief
When talking with someone navigating grief it is very important to be aware of what you are saying and how you are saying it. What may seem like an innocent and supportive statement can come across hurtful, insensitive and invalidating. When in doubt just ask how someone is doing, or even more so ask permission to ask more about their grief. Avoidance and not even bringing it up because you are afraid of making them upset sometimes can alienate a person. So when you are working with someone through grief don’t be afraid to be direct but kind. It can really just depend on the person but here are some basics to keep in mind when working with someone in the grief process.
What Someone Might Need
Holding space. Sometimes when walking through grief, they just want someone to listen and understand with empathy about the pain. It also depends on the relationship and certain phrases or responses can be helpful or not. Approach it carefully. Recognizing all grief is different and unique, we all experience it. We all are alone in our grief because it’s so unique for each person. Recognize and validate the pain, be with them in the uniqueness of it.
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Engagement in life and social support. The grieved need people around them to support them with whatever is needed. This might mean you have to ask what they need or do something for them without asking. Life does go on and that can be hard in grief so they might need that support.
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Check in on life functioning. It is easy in grief to forget about eating, sleeping, going to work, and engaging with friends. That might happen but eventually they need to continue caring for themselves in these ways. Sometimes all these areas cannot be attended to at once so you might need to ask, What do you need most right now? And then help them or encourage them to do that thing.
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Reassurance. That they are not alone. Grief will be so lonely. They need people to reassure them they are there. At times even reassurance that the pain will eventually not feel so big, but please don’t promise it will go away. Please also note, even if you are there for them they might still feel very lonely. Just make reassure them you are there.
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Sensitivity and tone. It is a painful time so being sensitive to them will be so important. Be sensitive to what they say, what you are saying and how you are saying it. The tone in which you take and the attitudes you might have. This time is about how they might be grieving.
What to Say?
These phrases are a guide but don’t have to be used verbatim. It is really important to know the person and even ask if something was helpful or not.
​“I am sorry you are experiencing this.”
“This must be hard.”
“I wanted to check in, I know this is hard, I am here for you.”
“I imagine grief has a lot of loneliness.”
“I am sure it is hard to walk through this grief.”
“I am here for you, though it may not change the loneliness, I am still here.”
“What can I do to help you today?”
“Can I ask you more about your story?”
What Not to Say?
These phrases are a guide but don’t have to be used verbatim. It is really important to know the person and even ask if something was helpful or not.
“It happens for a reason.”
“I am sure there is purpose in their passing.”
“It happens because evil or (insert some “sin” or “bad behavior” here)”
“It will get better, soon.” (You don’t know the timeline)
“Time will heal all wounds.” (It may feel less over time but could always be painful)
“I know exactly what you are going through.”
“How are you doing?”
What someone experiencing Grief does not need
Pat answers. Oftentimes most people know “it will get better with time.” They might know “it will all be ok.” Generally that may not be helpful. They don’t need cliches as that may feel insensitive and uncaring. Instead ask them if that is what they need to hear, everybody might be different.
Pushing or pressure to talk. Even if you ask them if they need to talk, the answer might be no. Honor their space if you get resistance, it may not be the time.
Pride and think you know what they need. Don’t tell them what they need. And sometimes you might do something without asking to support them, if it wasn’t helpful or they say no, don’t get offended. You are there to help them in a way they would need help, not what you think they need.
Don’t dance around grief or avoid it. Avoiding the topic and never saying anything may be hurtful. If you avoid it, it might only alienate or invalidate them. It won’t make it hurt more or less if you mention it. However, if they don’t want to talk about it, honor that. And if you bring it up every minute that can be overwhelming too.
Space but not distance. Don't be afraid because fear causes distance and they can sense it. Sometimes in grief they might need space. There may be a time or two they want to be by themselves. But they don’t need someone so distant that it is hard to reach when needed.
A fix. Don’t promise anything you can’t deliver, don’t try to offer a solution or fix their grief or tell them they should find meaning in this through God or anything else. There isn’t anything you can do to fix it, promising that will only do harm.
Disclaimer: This information has been provided by our Partners, The Attached Counseling Collective, to shed light on grief and how to help loved ones who have experienced loss. This information has been created as educational material NOT treatment. This information was created with the context that the staff and volunteers of Life Interrupted Foundation are not mental health professionals. If professional help is needed, please reach out to our volunteer team to connect you with a professional provider near you. For further resources, please visit our Additional Resources page.